Wednesday 15th May
Yesterday was probably the hardest day I have had in many many years. I took my faithful, bright, sensitive and affectionate companion of ten years, to another person's house where he will live out the rest of his doggie years. I cried for days before, and left him on her step, running away sobbing to my best friend's house, where I was given gin, lamb chops, and sympathy.
I wondered if it was too late to change my mind about EVERYTHING, whether I should just turn around and knock on her door and tell her I'd made a dreadful mistake, whether I could retract my notice at work with only three days left to go, whether I could withdraw my contract for the job in Juba. I wondered if I was being fair to him, to me, to my family.
It's not easy, this adventure lark. I wonder if I'm being selfish, or brave.
Today I've managed to stave off the tears for most of the day, telling myself that I need to move on, I knew that if I wanted to do this that there would be tough decisions to make, and trying to pull myself together. I've done a reasonable job I think, although the tears are only a blink away.
So I'm sitting here in my half empty flat with a month to go, packing boxes as I need to get the moving of storage stuff done next week - a friend who is also going to work abroad is sharing storage with me, and we have a van - it has to be next week as she's leaving before me. My cat is pacing around looking for his friend and I jump every time there's someone at the door as up 'till now I had been alerted in plenty of time by a bit of barking.
Any sense of excitement I had is buried deep under the great sadness that comes with missing something that has been a part of my life for so long. I wish I could just go tomorrow, but I have to wait another month for the visa and flights to be arranged, and to say goodbye to my friends and family.
I'm sure it will all be all right in the end. Won't it?
Yesterday was probably the hardest day I have had in many many years. I took my faithful, bright, sensitive and affectionate companion of ten years, to another person's house where he will live out the rest of his doggie years. I cried for days before, and left him on her step, running away sobbing to my best friend's house, where I was given gin, lamb chops, and sympathy.
I wondered if it was too late to change my mind about EVERYTHING, whether I should just turn around and knock on her door and tell her I'd made a dreadful mistake, whether I could retract my notice at work with only three days left to go, whether I could withdraw my contract for the job in Juba. I wondered if I was being fair to him, to me, to my family.
It's not easy, this adventure lark. I wonder if I'm being selfish, or brave.
Today I've managed to stave off the tears for most of the day, telling myself that I need to move on, I knew that if I wanted to do this that there would be tough decisions to make, and trying to pull myself together. I've done a reasonable job I think, although the tears are only a blink away.
So I'm sitting here in my half empty flat with a month to go, packing boxes as I need to get the moving of storage stuff done next week - a friend who is also going to work abroad is sharing storage with me, and we have a van - it has to be next week as she's leaving before me. My cat is pacing around looking for his friend and I jump every time there's someone at the door as up 'till now I had been alerted in plenty of time by a bit of barking.
Any sense of excitement I had is buried deep under the great sadness that comes with missing something that has been a part of my life for so long. I wish I could just go tomorrow, but I have to wait another month for the visa and flights to be arranged, and to say goodbye to my friends and family.
I'm sure it will all be all right in the end. Won't it?
